bad luck comes in from tampa


Me siento en la orilla de mi cama y detengo mi corazón que palpita a toda velocidad con una mano, escucho el silencio de las 3 a.m. interrumpido por un auto en la calle que da a mi ventana, pasa por un charco, salpica la banqueta, no llueve ya.

En la cama está novio, está gato, está la pesadilla de la que acabo de despertar. Todos tranquilos sin idea de mis miedos de media noche y así los dejo. Me levanto, voy por agua, pienso.

No requiere mucho análisis saber que mis pesadillas con agua y con fuego sólo significan que se me salen las cosas de las manos y que necesito reconsiderar mis prioridades.

Sé que estoy bien.
Mejor que nunca.
So much more to lose.

Sé que termina el año y que aquí es cuando me empiezo a cuestionar todo, y que no tengo nada seguro desde que no me maté en 2013 y que sigo jugando a ver qué pasa, y aunque parece que todo está saliendo mejor para todos no puedo dejar de pensar que de cualquier manera estoy fingiendo y que alguien se va a dar cuenta pronto de que no hay piloto en este avión, y cómo seguimos vivos, la verdad nadie sabe.

Estoy prendiendo la chimenea. Los leños no se quieren mantener encendidos porque la madera está fría y húmeda, y tengo tiempo intentando pero no funciona. El calor, sin embargo, enciende la escalera, el piso de madera, los cojines. Nadie se da cuenta cuando ya estamos envueltos en llamas y no alcanzo a apagar el fuego. 

Me dolió la garganta después del sueño. Tal vez me estoy enfermando.
Cuando cambia la temperatura los niños se enferman y yo vivo básicamente entre ellos y sería bastante comprensible.

Hago tiempo antes de volver a la cama. Veo por la ventana de la sala. Se empaña porque todo sigue mojado. Llovió con tantísima fuerza, parecía que las nubes y yo teníamos las mismas ganas de llorar. 

Me termino mi agua, les sirvo a los animales también. Escucho las respiraciones en mi cuarto, escucho mi respiración en mi cuerpo. Estamos bien. 

Volver a la cama. 
Pedir otro sueño. 
Amatista, romero, un beso de verdad. 
La cortina blanca, calor humano, amor en serio.
Esperar otro día, uno sin llorar.

Estoy muy cansada para moverme
Y tengo que seguir haciendo cosas
Porque en esta casa siempre tengo cosas que hacer
Y si no las hago luego me faltan y luego me abruman
Pero ya fue suficiente día y suficiente semana
Y ya nada más me quiero sentar
Me pesan hasta los bolsillos
Llenos de lo que recojo para poner en su lugar
Ya no me puedo mover
Porque estoy muy cansada
Pero me voy a mover
Para lavarme la cara
Ponerme pijama
Vaciar mis bolsillos
Tomarme mi agua
Y dormirme cansada
Aunque despierte cansada
Y me canse más mañana
De no saber a dónde me estoy llevando.

24


Ya casi cumplo 24.
Veinticuatro años son una buena edad
es una edad de adulto
algo que me imaginaba tener de niña.
24 es cuando ya tienes todo resuelto.
24 es cuando tienes tu departamento
lleno de libros y de plantas
color crema y color verde
con lomos rojos y tallos gruesos,
cuando tienes tu estudio y tu vida
que ya sabes qué onda.
Eso me imaginaba de niña.
Mi mamá a los 24 ya me tenía a mí
y mi papá a los 24 ya tenía diabetes.
Yo a los 24 tengo plantas y libros
no tantos como quisiera
y no tan bien cuidados,
pero tengo algunos y es buen comienzo.
En 24 años he comenzado muchas cosas
Tengo todo a la mitad
carreras, ideas, tazas de café y proyectos
tengo medias noches de sueño y
series a medio ver.
Y 24 años.
De amor, de llantos y resentimientos,
de cambios lentos y permanentes,
de experiencias
de las buenas y de las malas
y de poemas vanagloriosos en los que
bebo y me desbordo en mí misma.
24 es más de lo que creí llegar a tener
así que siempre los celebro feliz
porque uno más es uno menos
pero que no me quité yo sola.
Todavía no sé qué onda.
Y no sé si lo voy a saber. pronto
supongo que 24 es otro año para ver
si esta vez termino algo
o si empiezo más cosas
que es lo que en realidad me gusta hacer.



cuando me pregunten por ti siempre voy a decir que eres lo mejor que me pasó de casualidad, que haber sido parte de tu vida me va a acompañar por el resto de la mía y que el día que te me acabaste fue el día que yo empecé a cambiar, que dejé de ser yo y que empecé a ser esta yo y que cuando te vuelva a ver en cien años vamos a estar contemplando las carreteras juntos hasta el final

cuando me pregunten que si qué extraño les voy a decir que extraño cada segundo que viví contigo y que a pesar que ahora te conozco mejor de lo que te conocí y que tengo mil razones para odiarte les voy a decir que fuiste maravilloso y que a mí nunca me causaste mal alguno aunque sigo cargando con el dolor desde hace más años que los que pasé junto a ti

cuando me pregunten que si cómo sé quién eres les voy a decir que prefiero la imagen que creamos de ti colectivamente porque es lo único a lo que me puedo aferrar cuando no tengo nada más porque nada más dejaste porque no estabas listo

cuando me pregunten por ti voy a sonreír aunque haya pasado suficiente tiempo como para decirles que no me acuerdo

cuando me pregunten por ti les voy a decir que te amo como te amé porque es la única verdad que me queda

Canas




Your jet back hair is graying,
Strand by strand
I'm unable to keep you.

Start with This, Assignment 1.





Work on the idea for an hour, then post it somewhere. 
Idea: This part of a dream I had.

She was standing in front of the shaky mirror looking at her poorly applied makeup. What a way to arrive to her graduation, right? She had applied it on the also shaking compartment of the train where, using her cellphone camera as a mirror because train restrooms are gross and she didn’t need to get the bottom of her dress wet. Not today, not today. She had finally decided to go and fix it properly after a sudden stop that had made her squiggly line of winged cat eyeliner go all across her cheek. She really wasn’t good at makeup, but this was high school graduation, and everyone was wearing it. It was only fair for her to try as well.

When she graduated middle school her mom had done all her makeup carefully and beautifully. She had worn fake eyelashes and ruby colored lips, sparkly eyeshadow and a bunch of pink blush that she thought made her look like one of those vintage porcelain dolls, but her mom said she looked gorgeous and so she believed her.
Mom didn’t apply her makeup this time.

Mom could barely brush her hair now. Mom was F. U. C. K. E. D.  U. P. today. Today and always since her brother had passed away.

Brother had overdosed two years ago and she had had to keep everything together since.
Today mom was sober… or so she had claimed that morning, after refusing to eat or drink anything again. She kept swaying back and forth while she struggled to get her into a loose dress that only managed to show how thin she had gotten. Moms are usually chubbier, mom bod and all that jazz, but not hers, this mom was stick thin and all girls envied her. Because they didn’t know of course, not because they wished to have a drug addicted mom and take care of a household secretly.

Back to the wet floor of the shaky moving train restroom. It had those disgusting puddles of some liquid (please let it be water and not pee) all stepped on with traces of toilet paper that hadn’t landed on the bin and made papier-mâché of filth all over, dangerously threatening to get you an infection if you dared to look at it and think about it for too long. She grabbed onto the bottom of her long puffy dress and tucked it into her underwear so she could fix the makeup. She had gotten the dress at a garage sell for $70 pesos and had her friends’ mom tailor it so it would close. It was pale blue with sparkly tulle over the skirt and little star-shaped sequins here and there. It was a steal for that price, and it only took a stretchy fabric she got at a fabric store for almost nothing. Her friends’ mom didn’t charge her because she knew it was for graduation.

She only had to survive this one event and she was done. She would leave. Far far away she would go, she didn’t care anymore. She wasn’t going to. Mom wasn’t her responsibility, if she wanted to kill herself with drugs too, she might as well start as soon as she moved away.

She took a little cotton swab out of her makeup baggie and opened the faucet to wet it a little. She tried to erase the mess of line across her cheek but instead managed to rub it all around. She sighed and put it back into her baggie to throw away later, she then took a beauty blender that her boyfriend had given her for Christmas and applied more makeup on top of the stain; that worked.

She had done a messy base, some highlighter as she could, mascara and tried to apply the winged eyeliner, which now we know how that had ended up. She watched all those youtube videos for nothing.

She opened the door and closed it quickly to remove her dress from her underwear and grabbed it a little so it wouldn’t touch the floor and got out of the restroom to return to the compartment to find her mom asleep with her face against the glass of the window.

“Mommy, wake up,” she asked, “are you sure you didn’t do anything this morning?”
“... n’t be silly…” mom mumbled, “…have to be ‘ere…”.

Yup, she definitely did.

She grabbed her mother’s face delicately with one hand and struggled with the other hand and her mouth to open a tube of peachy lipstick. With the moving train and her mom’s hanging sleepy face she could barely apply it on her lips and not all over. Mom was so pretty. Big blue eyes and long black hair. She looked like a Disney princess back in the day. Of course now she looked more like a homeless Disney princess street performer.

“Mommy, look at the lipstick and tell me if it’s okay please.”
Mom barely opened and eye and tried to sit up straight. She really did try.
“Mmm, mirror, honey?” she was so sweet still.
“I didn’t bring one, mommy,” she took out her phone and opened her front camera to show her, “you can check it with this.”
Mom grabbed it and looked at her face for a second, “jeez, I look like crap, baby… could you help me get to the bathroom mirror?”
“Yeah, sure, grab my arm,” she had been really delicate to mom ever since her brother had died, but it still made her really mad how she had become just the same, “it’s really filthy though.”
“I don’t mind, baby,” she grabbed from her arm and got up making an uncomfortable noise, “I’ve probably seen worse.”

Yeah, at a dealer’s probably.

She led mom to the restroom and got inside with her to hand her the contents of the makeup baggie. It was a small place and she could barely fit in there with her without letting the dress bottom touch the floor. Mom asked for the lipstick, the bronzer (which she didn’t have any, nor blush, so she used the same lipstick as a blush), and the mascara. She applied it skillfully even on whatever she was on, she was a pro. Then she looked over to see her daughter and her makeup and said,

“oh no, baby, let me try to fix yours,” and as she turned something fell from the inside of her own underwear and fell to the floor. It was some toilet paper wrapped around something that fell directly unto the brown disgusting puddle of the floor, “shit!”
She looked incredulous to the brownish weed on the floor and the dark water was absorbed by the toilet paper.
“What the fuck, mom?” she asked.
“Oh, I’m sorry baby, it´s to kill the edge, hon. I swear, it’s nothing but a little weed.”
“Why the fuck are you bringing it to graduation then?!”
“… it was an accident baby, I’m sorry.”
“Weed inside the school isn’t an accident, mom, it’s a crime,”
Mom bent over to try to collect it from the filthy filthy floor.
“Ew! Don’t touch it!”
“It’s all I’ve got, baby, I need it” she said, while putting her hands on the damp toilet paper and grabbing some of the wet weed under it.
“No, you don’t, mom, leave it!”
They could hear a guard walking outside of the restroom.
“Everything okay there?”
She tried to cover mom’s mouth so she didn’t say anything.
“It’s all fine, sir, sorry!”

But she let the dress fall, and it was long and all over the suspicious dirty water. Her perfect dress for graduation.

Oh no.

22.



In the middle of nowhere, there's Derry.
There's always been Derry.

This dusty, iron-hot, unpaved piece of land that has done nothing for the world but ruin its best people. Derry.

I wasn't born here. I wasn't raised here. I grew from teen to older teen here. I got fucked up by the demons in this town here. I got sore and broken. I got my scars here. I almost died here. Almost.

This town produced, made and shattered all the best people in the world. Don't ask why, nobody understands. I understand the least of all.

It also produced all the sickest bastards, all the despicable vices and every inch of pain. It was all locally grown and exported all around by the people that carried it from birth. I may carry some just by contact. It's contagious like that.

This town hurt me. This town. This fucking piece of land. I'm done being afraid of it. I'm angry. I'm pissed and raging, sick of what it has done and to whom it has done it to.

When I got beat up inside the building, when I got chased around by knives and fists, when my life was threatened at my smallest and most vulnerable, when I tried to slit my wrists open, or swallowed a box of sleeping pills, or starved myself for months... all that pain it caused me, also served to blind me of what it was doing to others.

I took it personally.
I thought it was only me.
But it wasn't.
It was everyone.
Everyone got as fucked by the place as I did.

It ruined his dad.
Her mom.
It ruined his sisters.
It hurt her self-worth and perspective.
And his pride on himself.
It pushed her far far away inside herself.
It destroyed my mom.

Today I learned another thing.
That it got her hurt. He abused her and I didn't know. Was it when I was around? Could I have done something? Was I too sunk in my own shit to see you reaching out? Derry got all my best friends.
The smallest one of all.
The tiniest and softest.
The most frightened one.
It sent one of its trash to hurt her. And he got away with it. 

I'm so so sorry.
I didn't know.

But then she got away.
And she ran.

But then he went after your little sister.

And she fought back!
So tiny and fragile. Even smaller than you.
With her big doe eyes and crooked smile. Her curls and giggles. She fought back and got beat up, but she won.

... won the battle? Won the war?
What war is this but the war against Derry.

Run away, honey.
Stay away from here.
I want to burn it down. I wish I could burn it all fucking down.
Cease existing.
Stop reminding me.
Erase all the memories from it.
Drown all the pain it brings me just to see its buildings.
Just dissolve into your own madness already.

You've done enough already.
Fucking. Derry.
It's always been Derry.