started from the bottom still down here

i am starting to 
B
    R
       E
          A
              K
again and i don't know how to stop it
between my insignificant paycheck
my lack of talent
my mental issues
and my xXxXxXxXxXx i just don't 
    N 
        O 
          W
how to handle my shit

Loretta
has
ruined
life
O
     N
         C
             E
M
     O
         R
             E

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXstop it.

Nubes chiquitas.



Todos revientan diferente. Casi todos revientan como truenos: ruidosos, violentos, brillantes y lejanos.
Yo exploto como las nubes que se acumulan por gotitas.
 Nubes chiquitas, blancas, no de las grises que dan miedo. Me voy llenando de gotitas que evaporan los días, los ratos, los rayos que casi nadie notó pero que yo conté aunque no quisiera.
 Luego son muchas gotitas y mi nube pesa más y más, la aprieto yo sola y la nube se me escapa entre las manos, entre los dedos, entre las cortadas de papel en los nudillos. 
Y luego llueve y lluevo yo con ella.
Y soy lluvia 
y soy agua 
y caigo 
y ya no soy nada.
Era, fui y ya no soy.
Porque las nubes como yo sólo existimos a ratitos.
Existimos cuando estamos lloviendo; no cuando nos estamos formando.
No existimos, no somos. No tocamos.
Venimos explotando y nos vamos.
Ya no servimos para tapar el sol ni para apaciguar los rayos que te queman la cara.
No quedamos, vaya, más que para quitarle el calor a los perritos callejeros y que la tierra huela.
Así somos las personas nube, las que explotamos quedito y sólo para nosotras. Las que no somos ni grises.
Nos duele más que lo que dolemos y callamos más que lo que ayudamos. 
Ahí voy, rodando por la ventana de la sala y mojando tu sillón si quedó abierta. Ni siquiera lluevo tan fuerte como para ahorrarte la salida de la mañana. Soy las chispitas enfadosas para las que te arrepientes de haber sacado el paraguas.
Mojatontos. Chingaquedito.
La lluvia engañosa de la que te enamoraste.
Y que le duele lloverte encima.

—Loretta.

That's not my name.




I'm pretending I don't care.
I'm being told that it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but somehow, it is. I keep hearing it and I keep making up the worst in my head and I'm really not prepared to let myself fall that hard.
It's all about the promises and those acts of faith, right?
Not so tight.
Because I have known you for enough time to know exactly when you're lying to my face, and I know myself well enough to know that I could keep swallowing lies until I drown on them.
And yet, I still trust you.
I don't know if I trust myself.
But it's better than the alternative.
Or so I'm pretending.

Two.

Today I woke up in a new bed. In a new house. Once again.

How many times I've moved and changed abruptly, out of the blue, all of a sudden? Too many. 

But you know, this is for the best. And today as I woke up, I loved it. I felt this new bedsheets on top of me, rolled over and didn't feel the chills that change always brought. I turned, stared at the ceiling and felt safe. Calm. Better.

(This is a great thing to feel when you don't have cooking gas, internet and are $4,000 dollars in debt for a year and a half.)

And so I have a new place with my SO and my pair of kittens. And a huge debt. Heh. I'm all smiles and happiness, tho.

One.

Ah, the feeling of starting things late.

A love letter to myself.

Dear Loretta,

Blue is your best color.
When you wear it, it looks like 
the sky is pulling you back;
It looks like you're coming back home.

I love the way you sing in the shower.
You know so many songs by heart
you could sing the morning away,
and some days,
you do.

I love your love for animals, for babies,
for plants that are just beginning 
to stretch their arms around and look for light.
You look out for those who haven't got their own voice.

I know how heavy that soul of yours is,
but I'm willing to help you carry it.

Love, 
—Loretta R.

Beliefs

Breathe long and breathe easy
I hold you as you sleep
Your magic hands turn into fists
As you slowly fall into soft dreams.

It's all about respect
The lifechoices of all
And how we always fight
For those we're standing for.

We get that and we follow
These paths of what is right for
The world, the living and the ones
That we love and care for.

“It's the right thing” we say
As we stick with our beliefs
The least harm to be caused
And the rightful mind to keep.

We work together, hand in hand
And put them all into the sack
One cause and two more
To be blind no more.

-L.

Four.

The difference between people who state Veganism is easy, and those who state Veganism is hard, is those who say it’s easy are focused on the victims, while those who say it’s hard are focused on themselves.

Heaven.

Here we lay in Eden
Hair down and no clothes
Your long hair warms my chest
Cold breeze and morning chores.
Let me cuddle with you more
Don't go yet, rough guy
You're paradise from hell.

Five. (Aka. Who's the fairest of them all?)

I need to change mirror because mine is telling me I'm the one that needs to change. 

I asked the mirror 
And it lied back
Pointed to the girl on TV
because she's got the nicest rack.

And I feel fine
And I feel healthy
But whatever you put up there
Is not what you find lately.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
What's the most wicked of my all?

My lips spill curses,
My legs tend to spread
My hair is not flowy
And my eyesight is a mess.

It's not me.
The mirror must be broken.

Twenty Fifteen.

I wake up in your arms
Twenty fifteen.
A world of possibilities
I'm excited already.
A brand new year.
A brand new page.
I no longer need a fresh new start
because in you I have
found something better.

—Loretta.