I'm stopping something I just can't handle. One would say that is acceptable. Understandable.
I'm struggling to even find the strenght to describe how terrible I feel about it. It's one of those things I understand from everyone. Everyone can have a hard time, anyone can struggle and take a break and reconsider, apparently. Everyone but me.
I see my friends graduating and I'm feeling so left behind. I see them working I hear them talking about school and I feel like I should be. I should be breaking my nerves by studying for incredibly difficult test and putting up with teachers' attitudes and listening to their ramblings and having anxiety attacks, right?
What am I doing?
I know I'm working. I'm working hard and long.
I know I'm getting the business bigger. More hours, more changes, big dreams that seem reachable. Happening. It's getting somewhere, we're doing the things that need to be done and we're having fun with it.
But this thing.
THIIIIIIS THING.
Why does it have to be so hard to manage.
I read about the characters that overwork and overstress and undereat and undersleep and they finish.
Why can I finish?
Why am I struggling to go and do the work when it was all I longed for?
I want to learn. I want the damn paper that says I know STUFF.
Even though it means nothing, I want it.
So many ridiculous people have it, why can I put that effort into it?
Why am I crying so much?
Wasn't I supposed to be smart enough?
Weren't they all relying on me?
Hey guys, It's me. The biggest disappointment you know. The kid couldn't hack it. She's back, and she's walking real slow.

Welcome home.

Estamos demasiado jóvenes
como para andar con el corazón tan hecho mierda.

¿Qué hago para volverte a creer?
Que ahora sí es verdad, dices como si fuera una promesa nueva. “Perdóname", como si pidiéndome perdón se borrara el miedo a que se me vuelva a acabar todo. No sé qué voy a hacer si se me cae encima todo el teatrito que vengo armando yo solita desde hace 5 años. Casi casi creyéndome que soy grande y puedo yo con toda la vida. La última vez salí con los brazos y el alma destruidos, mi abuelo llorando en la camioneta cuando íbamos en la carretera rumbo a Culiacán, tres o cuatro amigos y la esperanza de que a lo mejor no vivía mucho tiempo más para andar aguantando las miradas de lástima de mis maestros y los vecinos. Esos hijos de puta que ni ayudaron cuando me estrellaste la ventana y tuve que salir a tomar un examen de ecología entre los vidrios a las 6:40 a.m.
¿Qué tengo ahora que perder? Mi casa, mis amigos, mi trabajo, el restaurante y al amor de mi vida. Si salgo con alguno bajo el brazo esta vez va a ser de milagro. Y si los pierdo la que ya no sale soy yo, se los juro.
Tengo un chingo de miedo, no sé cómo estar tranquila.
Si vuelvo a perder todo ya no voy a tener a mi abuelo para que me diga cómo le ha dolido más a él.
A mi abuela para que me suba a otro camión y nos mueva de estado a mi, a mi mamá y a las flores todavía suavecitas de los arreglos en el funeral de mi papá. A mi papá que me suba en una camioneta con un remolque atrás y un mundo de cosas y nos vayamos al DF a probar suerte con los doctores capitalinos.
Esta vez si lo pierdo todo ya no quiero volver a empezar de cero.
Si se me acaba lo que hice pues ya lo he intentado muchas veces y a lo mejor eso de la vida tranquila nunca fue para mi.
Ya esta es la última vez que te creo y que me creo que puedo con esta pinche vida miserable.

Arrancando uno a uno
todos los pétalos de la flor
y preguntándome en cada uno
¿esto me va a matar ya
o todavía no?

I forgave everybody. I gave up. I got drunk.

I wish I could protect you
From the world and from yourself
But I can't
And you don't care about danger
You don't even seem to notice
If I lose you to this
I don't know what I will do.

remember 6 years ago?
heavy tequila stupor
playing cards on the hot floor
waiting for you girls to vote
being terrified for a nasty future.
We still made it
All of us.
Cheers to that.

I can smell the instant coffee powder spreading through the room as someone opens the jar and prepares for the long day ahead. The faintest of dampness still rests on the sidewalks from the first rain of the summer. I was showering at midnight and I cut the water off to hear it tapping on the high bathroom window. I'm sleepy and my eyes are heavy with last night's unfinished sleep. I'm not really ready for today.

It’s 2:06 a.m.
Waiting for the water to boil to make some tea.
People say tea is good, they advise for drinking tea. Not coffee, which I love, but tea, which I stand. Except green tea.
People say tea is relaxing, people say to drink it for anxiety.
I’m waiting for the water to boil to see it this stops my jaw from hurting from anxiety. I’v Been anxious for a couple of days. On the line to buy groceries, during my 7th grade class, while falling asleep, and now while watching One Day at a Time after an easy day at the restaurant. I’m nervous that this will be harder in a couple of months when I go back to school. I don’t know how I will manage or if I ever will. I eat my greens and I take B12, work out, drink moderately and have my share of laughter but my chest still tightens, my arms tingle and my jaw hurts. Today is only the jaw, yesterday it was feeling like murder just the moment I fall asleep. I want to go back to therapy but I’m scared of bad therapists. I want to talk it out but nobody really gets it like me. I don’t want to be a burden to my teams. I really don’t want to take medication but I’m afraid the day can come when I will have to.
My cousin had a breakdown last year and she was taken to a mental institution for a couple months, my mom went in and out of rehab for most of my life. I don’t want that for myself.

I am looking for a way to keep everyone safe
Including myself, from all the horrible things but I just can’t.
My mom moved away to Mississippi on the day people start foreseeing a war.
Scary stuff.

Today I’m feeling wishful
And my wishes are for you.
I wish you sweet and perfectly ripe fruit
A strong cup of coffee
A good and sturdy rock on your daily walk
I wish you cool wind in your face and warm sunshine on your cheek.
I wish you to mingle and giggle
A nice friendly smile
I wish you cold water that quenches thirst
To be on time to the place.
I wish you laughter and kindness
Someone to text the good news
Someone to text the bad ones too.
I wish you friends who understand
Or really well intentioned ones that really try
Because they love you.
I wish you catharsis
I wish you acceptance and clarity
For the past to be forgiven
And the present fresh and kind
Your heart to mend and your mind to heal
A sweet animal to acnowledge you on the street
The warmest hug.
I wish you all the good things
I wish them for all of us.

Remember to tell people to

Burn me to ashes

Dressed in all black

Turn me into something that gives back.

Remember me by my bad jokes 

By my little known facts

Walk around  nature

Pretend you are a wild creature 

Remember I love some jazz

At night

While boozing up on bourbon 

Sometimes wine.

Colect rocks and crystals and stones 

And little verses from poems

And songs.

Don’t forget that I love you.

Don’t let yourself die young

I still have a lot to do.

I feel you in my own words
I hear you in my laughter
Around my habits and vices
If you’re forever living in me
Keep me company.

Fuimos a pasear hoy con nuestros $37 designados para comprar mis pastillas anticonceptivas en Walmart. Me llevé fresas, café frío y una botella de agua. Pasamos a ver todas la plantas que me gustan en la plazuela y los foquitos nuevos que instalaron en el piso del centro histórico. Nos invitaron a ver Lady Bird en un salón del IPN con tu maestro de cine, que está súper orgulloso de ti y se le nota siempre. Nos comimos las fresas y caminamos de la mano. Mi mamá me marcó desde Mississippi, perdió su celular en el vuelo. No le quise decir que la película me había recordado mucho a ella. Ya se iba a dormir. Fuimos a comprar mis pastillas, costaron $35, la señorita me vio feo porque te pregunté si el Tramadol servía para drogarse porque cosaba $50 la cajita. Me quede dormida en cuanto llegamos a la casa y me desperté porque tenía un sueño extraño en el que tenía que aprender a tocar el violín.

Mi gato Dracarys es guapísimo y súper fuerte. Lo encontré hace tres años en un camellón con la colit rota y los ojos tan infectados que parecía que estaba ciego. Ha crecido muchísimo y tiene una personalidad bien diferente a todos los gatos que conozco.

Estoy muy orgullosa de él porque soy una loca. Hace un mes vino una morra al restaurante y le hizo cariños diciéndole “Ven, Draco, ven con mamá” y me dio un coraje que no pude razonar. El Dracarys es super raro también y se duerme en lugares extraños en posiciones muy graciosas. Este es un día de siestas de Dracarys.

En el piso de la cocina.

Abrazando una peligrosa varilla en el patio.

 Soñando con ser un superhéroe en la sala.

Entre escobas y trapeadores.

Entre los zapatos.

Casi abajo de la mesa de la sala.

Dentro de la caja de frambuesas.

Entre la cobijita peludita.

I looked in the mirror today

And wondered

What the hell happened to make me

this person.

I wasn’t supposed to be this lonely

surrounded by all this love.

What the hell happened 

to the girl with all the future ahead.

Empecé a ver This is Us porque me fue prometido ver a Milo Ventimiglia sin camisa y siendo buen padre, which is always a turn on. El problema es que hemos visto 9 capítulos y he llorado muchísimo con cada uno. Es una serie muy padre, de esas que te ponen a pensar en tu futuro y en cómo hacerle para hacer una nueva familia con hijos criados sin traumas. Esa es la meta.

Tengo 22 años y muchas memorias reprimidas, y sé que están reprimidas por buenos motivos, mi cerebro no es pendejo y sé que así me proteje, pero cuando vuelven es siempre una experiencia dura y con la que tengo que lidiar.

Creo que soy afortunada de tener a mi pareja. Ya sé, ya sé, cómo mamo, pero para mí es muy difícil abrirme completamente con alguien y confiarle los recuerdos duros cuando vuelven –por lo menos sobria, es muy difícil. Y siento que algunas personas se tardan mucho más tiempo en encontrar alguien con quien pueden sentirse seguros de compartir cosaa difíciles. Compartir lo bueno, lo padre, lo alegre es súper cool y facilísimo, pero compartir lo feo y oscuro que prefieres ignorar por siempre es más complicado.

Si tengo que tener un futuro, o una familia, me gustaría hacerlo bien, en equipo y sin traumas como los míos. Porque son bien difíciles de pasar.

El pastel vegano de microondas perfecto:

Ingredientes

1 cucharada + 2 cucharaditas de cocoa

3 cucharadas de harina

1/8 cucharadita de sal

2 cucharadas de azúcar

1/4 cucharadita de polvo para hornear 

1 sobrecito de stevia u otra cucharada de azúcar 

2-3 cucharaditas de aceite de coco o vegetal

3 cucharadas de la leche vegetal que prefieran, yo he probado soya y almendra

1/2 cucharadita de extracto vainilla.

Procedimiento

Combinar todos los ingredientes en polvo y mezclar hasta integrar perfectamente. Agregar los líquidos y mezclar. Se obtiene una mezcla algo espesa, es normal. Transferir a una taza de café que se pueda meter al microondas y hornear por 1 min o 1:30 min de acuerdo a la potencia de sus microondas. Al inflarse sobre el borde está listo. Se le puede poner algún betún de chocolate o ganache. Disfrutar solo y sin compartir con nadie, este es su postre y de nadie más, déjame en paz Héctor, tú dijiste que no querías, este es MI PASTEL QUÍTATEEEEE.

Feeling the wind against your face

And your plants give when you sing to them

A special crystal on your pocket

Making the day better

For no particular reason.

Magick.

Or lighting candles 

In the middle of the night

The peace that sage brings

While burning around the house.

Magick.

I made a spell

To aid a friend

And he is safe and sound 

And away as he should.

It worked.

I cried.

My magick works.

I visited the graves of the witches

And I had the astral dreams

And I see the light in people

The color when I dream them.

Magick.

Someone once told me

The grass is much greener

On the other side

And yet instead of longing

About jumping the fence 

And settling in,

I might just focus on

Watering my own.

Trespassing is illegal 

This is a note from my phone I wrote last year.

I had this freakout last night at a party because this guy who I used to be friend with but who harrassed me/took advantage of when I was drunk, was there. He was standing in the middle of the way from some friends that I wanted to hang with and I HAD to walk past him in order to get to that side of the party. I really didn't want to greet him because he makes me feel really uncomfortable and vulnerable, and the time he harrassed me he made some very very nasty comments about my breasts while holding me up to him and not letting me go... i was wearing a particularly low cut shirt (I neverrrrrr do because I'm very insecure about having big boobs) with a flannel shirt on top, and I felt extra super vulnerable and almost naked, even though I now see that it wasn't as bad as I felt then. Anyway, anxiety got the best of me in that situation and I was trying hard not to be close to this person, staying close to people who I trust and all, but everyone was dancing and I really didn't feel like dancing because boobs and I tried to decline politely, at the end I felt badish and went inside to sit in a sofa and try to cool off. Someone I know came by and asked me if I was okay, I said someone being in the party was making me a little uncomfortable and they instantly knew who it was, they reassured me that I was safe and I went out again. I found Héctor (there were LOADS of people) and I sat next to him for a little, then I noticed that the guy was trying to get close to us and talk to us and I almost ran inside. Someone stopped me and handed me a stress cube thingy which I used and it didn’t make me feel any better so I drank a beer. Then two. Then three. So quickly. Then the guy came up to me and wanted to talk and I said no thanks and walked away. I couldn’t breathe a lot and I had a panic attack and I cried on the car and we came home and I watched Harry Potter until I slept. This is not fun to tell but it happened and I can’t really explain it to anyone right now.

Today I went for a free class of a thing that’s a mixture between pilates and ballet. I left there with my legs shaking, my calves burning and a certain knowledge that I could never afford going to this kind of places regularly.
The one thing I notice about these clases is how easily I could do them by myself at home. All the yoga I’ve ever done I’ve done it following instructions and watching YouTube videos, yet the feeling of going to the place and being among others with the sole purpose of finishing a routine has in itself the purpose. I think it must be the peer pressure of the class encouraging you to finish something through that keeps people paying. They pay not to be guided through the movement or taught how to do the thing, but to be encouraged by strangers judging you.
I don’t think I personally need this motivation to work out, but it’s interesting how having a very good looking woman yell “YOU CAN DO IT” at me while holding the most painful wall sit with raised calves can make me hold for 30 more seconds.
I’m doing an experiment and taking some free classes this week and see if they actually motivate me more than the youtube people.

Estuvimos 5 días en Guadalajara, y todo el tiempo que estuvimos ahí me fui en encontrando con un incienso que me recordaba mucho a casa de mi papá y a jugar Zelda de chiquitos en el gamecube. Pasábamos por los puestitos y todos me enseñaban y ofrecían diferentes olores y marcas y varitas de colores, quesque es sándalo, o es cannabis o es loto con la magia hindú más antigua. Ninguno era el pinchi incienso. En nuestro último día, a punto de subirnos al camión para ir por las maletas a la casa, pasamos por una ventana abierta. Adentro estaba prendido el incienso, y un señor estaba abrazando a una mujer, estaban riéndose bien fuerte, escuchando jazz. Tuve que tocar la ventana, era mi última oportunidad, “señor... discúlpeme de verdad pero ¿qué incienso tiene prendido? Nadie me ha sabido decir cuál es y lo olía mucho de chiquita”, el señor me regaló la cajita y una varita. Ahora toca buscar que lo vendan acá.

Siempre he sido pésima guardándome las lágrimas. Ante la menor provocación se me tensa la garganta, se me irrita la nariz y brotan de mis ojos sin que nadie pueda detenerlas.

La semana pasada lloré mucho en el trabajo, entre clases, a ratitos para no soltarlas todas de una. No tenemos ganas de nada. Estamos esperando escuchar algo, lo que sea, una esperanza, un silbido, una señal.

No sabemos quién te llevó y no nos interesa, para ser francos. Todos y cada uno de nosotros te necesitamos de regreso para contarte cosas, para escuchar tus canciones, pasarte memes, para ver cómo te intentas apoderar de todos los instrumentos en las bandas y cómo te emocionas en las fiestas cada que ponemos tu canción.

Tengo mucho miedo de esta ciudad donde se llevan a los morros sin motivo. A morros buenos. La gente siempre dice que si no tienes nada que temer no te pasa nada. La gente está pero si bien pendeja. A los morros se los llevan por ser morros y a las morras se las llevan porque sí, y luego todos andan con el nudo en la garganta esperando escuchar que sus amigos están bien. Y luego todos andamos con el nudo en la garganta, llorando en el trabajo y nerviosos en la calle porque a lo mejor hoy me toca que me lleven a mí. Quién sabe.

Yesterday was one of those days
where I could easily understand
how one could
die for their country
die for justice
die for love
die for freedom
because all they're looking for is a way
and a reason to die anyway.

I had a panic attack in the shower
after being alright for some time
I felt the fear take over me
and the devastating feeling of losing control
wash away the sanity of my mind.
I tossed some stuff around,
cried my lungs out
and felt like a puppet for the rest of the day.

I feel these feels and I wish I didn't
feel anything at all.

Today I keep thinking about
how it feels to not be able
to control your body with your mind
and to be trapped inside a collapsing building.
You see the ceiling falling
and you can't make your legs
run for the fucking door.

I'm scared of it happening
again sometime soon
and I dread those times
where it happened almost daily.