Yesterday was one of those days
where I could easily understand
how one could
die for their country
die for justice
die for love
die for freedom
because all they're looking for is a way
and a reason to die anyway.

I had a panic attack in the shower
after being alright for some time
I felt the fear take over me
and the devastating feeling of losing control
wash away the sanity of my mind.
I tossed some stuff around,
cried my lungs out
and felt like a puppet for the rest of the day.

I feel these feels and I wish I didn't
feel anything at all.

Today I keep thinking about
how it feels to not be able
to control your body with your mind
and to be trapped inside a collapsing building.
You see the ceiling falling
and you can't make your legs
run for the fucking door.

I'm scared of it happening
again sometime soon
and I dread those times
where it happened almost daily.