I'm stopping something I just can't handle. One would say that is acceptable. Understandable.
I'm struggling to even find the strenght to describe how terrible I feel about it. It's one of those things I understand from everyone. Everyone can have a hard time, anyone can struggle and take a break and reconsider, apparently. Everyone but me.
I see my friends graduating and I'm feeling so left behind. I see them working I hear them talking about school and I feel like I should be. I should be breaking my nerves by studying for incredibly difficult test and putting up with teachers' attitudes and listening to their ramblings and having anxiety attacks, right?
What am I doing?
I know I'm working. I'm working hard and long.
I know I'm getting the business bigger. More hours, more changes, big dreams that seem reachable. Happening. It's getting somewhere, we're doing the things that need to be done and we're having fun with it.
But this thing.
THIIIIIIS THING.
Why does it have to be so hard to manage.
I read about the characters that overwork and overstress and undereat and undersleep and they finish.
Why can I finish?
Why am I struggling to go and do the work when it was all I longed for?
I want to learn. I want the damn paper that says I know STUFF.
Even though it means nothing, I want it.
So many ridiculous people have it, why can I put that effort into it?
Why am I crying so much?
Wasn't I supposed to be smart enough?
Weren't they all relying on me?
Hey guys, It's me. The biggest disappointment you know. The kid couldn't hack it. She's back, and she's walking real slow.

Welcome home.

Estamos demasiado jóvenes
como para andar con el corazón tan hecho mierda.