Hey.

So here I am. 

Going over my own mind at my own time. Trying to decipher what to do. What does one do? My years of mourning never warned me about this loss. What does one do with the group chat where there's only your two best friends and yourself once one of them is gone forever? What does one do with the million voicenotes that our whatsapp conversation consists of? What's with having all these fucking drafted tweets about our drunken reunions? 

I am angry.

And sad.

And I feel lonely in this sadness because I don't feel the right to share it. What about    t h e m ?
T h e y   must be in much more pain than me. But fuck it, I'm hurting. And it's just so fucking unfair.

I don't know what to do with all these messages. I can't put them anywhere. I can't store them like I do with my father's old water bottle receipts. With his to do lists in yellow paper with blue gel pels.
I cannot pack up this relationship in boxes to look at when I'm feeling a little better.
The fucking internet is a constant reminder. A big wave I can't seem to be able to swim over. 

What do I do with this 21st century pain?