things are shaping up to be pretty odd




sixteen things I learned in 2016

1. Sometimes you have to be angry even if being angry is scary.
2. When you believe your friends are mad at you and you avoid talking to them, they assume that you're the one that's mad at them.
3. You need to ask for help. Everybody else does. It's valid.
4. Stress can and will fuck you up.
5. You're capable of being alone and making it, but luckily you're not.
6. The Mountain Goats, Frank Sinatra and The Violent Femmes always help.
7. Don't pour your soul into someone in order for them not to become like you. You just feel your soul being stomped on.
8. He really does love you and he really wants to be here.
9. There's more people there for you than you like to believe. You are not forgotten. 
10. There's only one vegan fabric softener, but it's mexican, cheap and smells nice. Also mexican powdered detergent is biodegradable. 
11. You can drink straight whisky, but that still doesn't make you Frank Sinatra.
12. Quitting your job and running your own business is tough as shit but you have been making it and it feels good.
13. ALEXANDER HAMILTON.
14. Your best friends are still your best friends.
15. Being cold af is the new ability that you have to develop.
16. Every year you change so fucking much I'm kind of excited to see what new shit you pull the next one.

Jaded

Me preocupa quién voy a ser cuando crezca. Cuando las cosas cambien, si es que cambian. El resentimiento que no consigo exfoliar de mi piel y lavar con agua hirviendo a las tres de la mañana. Las pequeñas victorias de tres segundos que vienen siempre acompañadas de mis hábitos autodestructivos que ya hago sin pensar. ¿Voy a mejorar? ¿O ya se convirtió en mi default setting? Quiero tomar lo que tengo y ser amable y ser buena y cuidarlos a todos de no convertirse en mi, pero también quiero pararme firme y ser fuerte y ser fría y exigir lo que es mío, tomarlo para mí y sólo ser yo. Yo bien. Yo sana. Yo ignorando lo que me cala hasta los huesos. ¿Quién voy a ser cuando crezca? ¿Ya me voy a querer o lo voy a seguir arruinando? 

El Ka es una rueda

El Ka es una rueda, le dije
Y los malos vicios me alcanzan
Hablamos de viejas historias
Viejos amores, de esos que cansan.

Estoy harta de sufrir,
de sentirme agobiada
por quienes no saben.
por quienes me dañan.

Tengo largas historias que contar
algunas me arrancan trozos
de amor y de alma
hasta que ya no me dejan ni murmurar.

Quiero tener la misma paz
de la que le conté hace años
a mi amigo el que aún 
cree que puedo unir mis pedazos.

Dying is easy, young man



Hace un semana que me empezaron a doler las articulaciones y los músculos de tanto tensarlos cuando estás alrededor mío. Cada mañana me despierto y me da miedo levantarme y tener que sentirme así. Todos los días me ha dolido la cabeza y siempre que me marcas me dan ganas de tomar hasta perder la conciencia.

Han pasado tantos años que me asusta que tengas tanto poder sobre mi salud mental.
Tengo mucho miedo y nadie verdaderamente lo entiende.
Estoy aterrada de volver a mis viejos hábitos de odiar mi vida e  intentar matarme de a poquito.

No sé cómo decirte que te quiero pero te quiero lejos. Me importas pero me gustaría poder importarme más yo. Quiero estar bien pero quiero más estar lejos, fuera de mi cabeza, preferentemente ebria. Estoy volviendo a dónde me daba miedo ir y me estás arrastrando de la mano.

Suéltame por favor.
Me duele.

Ocean




I've been wearing the sea 
in my eyes lately.

And whenever I feel you close—
I drown.

Fly higher, blue jay.

Why must I, really
–care greatly, I mean–
It's not like you are here
nor there. You just exist
in the same universe as me.
Same planet.
Samer.
You are flying like a lost bird
you're making a nest so
close to my tree, sometimes
I look over my shoulder and
there you are
picking up twigs and
drilling up holes.
You make so much noise
and yet, it is when you're
silent that I can't help but
to look over and
–just accidentally–
maybe miss just your littlest
help over here.

i wish I could tell my 13 year self.

Every  boy will make you cry.
Even that smart cute guy with the puns you love and those damn cool playlists.
Even that one with the deep voice that says you are poetry.
Even the one with the leather boots who takes your hand and drives you on adventures.
Even the gorgeous one with the perfect smile and the sweetest lips who swears you're the one.
Even the strong one that makes you feel safe and kisses your hands and tells you he loves you even when you don't.
Even the one with the apple green eyes that plays the piano and is just dreamy.
They will all make you cry and I wish you're prepared for that.
Spoiler alert: baby, you are not.


I'm just smelling for smoke

I feel you, kid.
I've walked that lane and I've caused that hurt.
I made her cry and she never does.
You don't have to be like me.
How do I tell you that we all hate ourselves inside?
We all long to die, but that's too easy.
We also love the challenge.
I want to show you what I have seen.
I want you to brush your face against the skin
of one who loves the way you're alive.
Can't you hear that sweet song of the ocean roar?
Rub your toes all over that green grass.
Lose your voice from singing drunk.
Shake with fear at night by scaring yourself.
Listen to that song and cry harder than a newborn.
Get a good punch in.
Can't you see why I fought back?
Where's the fun in dying
when all the good stuff is underneath the peel?
Just stick a little longer
This is a party, have a ball.
Let me open up that for you, kid.
It's fucking great, isn't it?
I want to look at you three years from now
and say I told you so.

I Came Around

Los autos iban haciendo una larga hilera que avanzaba lentamente por la calle principal del pueblo. Era el día del velorio del viejo y los hombres estaban inquietos, limpiándose el sudor de las manos en el pantalón; como temiendo ser los siguientes a los que la muerte se llevara. Las mujeres lloraban amargamente. Las ancianas se lamentaban en voz alta, mientras las más jóvenes callaban a los pequeños, diciéndoles que no era momento de jugar y que se comportaran.

Me dijeron que se había ido con una sonrisa de satisfacción en los labios y con la petaca de whisky en la mano. Hasta la muerte recibió con esa sonrisa y por ello el viejo se merecía mi respeto, aunque en vida nunca lo estimé. Lo había visto caminando por el pueblo con un paso cansado y la mirada perdida, generalmente ebrio o a punto de estarlo. Su soledad me molestaba, para ser franco. Pero qué caso tenía incomodarme si el viejo ya se había ido.

Yo llegué a la procesión con mi mujer por ahí de las dos de la tarde. Los hombres del pueblo y los amigos del viejo cargaban su ataúd. Me sentía hipócrita con mi traje negro y mi luto de mentira; pero era la costumbre local y siendo forastero, lo mejor que uno puede hacer es apegarse a las pequeñas reglas de urbanidad de la tierra ajena. Se sentía un aire pesado, como si el luto y el sudor flotaran juntos sobre nosotros mientras caminábamos por el valle, en camino a donde sería velado.

Llegamos a la posada en donde se velaría el cuerpo y la gente se fue acomodando en sillas y asientos dispuestos en una sala polvorienta. Mi mujer se sentó en el sofá junto a una de las madres jóvenes, quien mecía a un pequeño bebé en sus piernas para que se quedara dormido. Acerqué una silla plegable a ellas y me sumí un rato en mis pensamientos. En el pueblo todos iban a los funerales, pero sólo los amigos y la famila se quedaban. El viejo estaba solo en vida y no tenía familia alguna, pero hoy ahí estaba cada hombre, mujer y niño del pueblo.

Uno de los más viejos me invitó a acompañar a los hombres a la cantina. Era la costumbre que los hombres bebieran por el difunto y las mujeres fueran quienes derramaran las lágrimas. Me despedí de mi mujer y los seguí hasta la cantina, que estaba oscura y húmeda, pero al entrar se escuchaban estruendosas risas de un grupo de hombres mayores. Tenían un par de botellas de ginebra en su mesa, y me invitaron a acercar un banco y sentarme con ellos mientras me servían en un vaso de cristal despostillado.

            Nunca pensé mucho del viejo y ver a tantas personas dolidas por la muerte de un solitario que callejeaba sin rumbo me parecía bizarro. En los años que había vivido con mi mujer en el pueblo, al viejo lo había visto como un peso más para la sociedad, y un anciano que simplemente no había decidido morirse aún. Pero la manera en la que las personas le lloraban, solamente reflejaba algo más que yo simplemente no podía ver.

Los hombres de la mesa me siguieron sirviendo y pasadas unas cuantas horas, todos bebimos hasta quedar ebrios como cubas. Poco a poco, las lenguas se fueron soltando y di mi opinión sobre el viejo vagabundo. Sus amigos solamente se rieron y me interrumpieron, contando maravillosas historias de la juventud del viejo. El héroe del pueblo, a quienes todas las mujeres amaron y quien defendió a todos los hombres. El viejo se había quedado solo porque su amada había muerto de joven, y había contemplado la vida pasar en el pequeño pueblo.

Leí mal al viejo. No había sido un simple borracho mendigo, era un viejo amigo para todos ahí. No estaba solo como solo estaba yo. Había esperado su muerte en el mismo pueblo que se había llevado a su primer amor, muchos años atrás. Tal vez yo no comprendí eso porque de alguna manera yo también era un solitario caminante, como buscando mi lugar en un pueblo que no me correspondía.

Ebrias como el pecado, las voces en la cantina fueron cambiando de pena a celebración, hoy el viejo dormiría con su amada. La alegría y otra botella de ginebra se destaparon en la mesa y algunos ebrios causaron una pelea amistosa. Sonreí, y el hombre que resentí por su soledad me pareció el mejor acompañado.

            Para cuando el sol había bajado a los pies de los cerros, caminé de regreso a la posada. Mi mujer seguía sentada en la silla, y el pequeño bebé ahora dormía en sus brazos. Le di un beso en la frente y me dirigió una sonrisa amorosa.


            Miré la calle iluminada por la luz naranja del atardecer; me despedí de mi mujer y con paso decidido, influenciado por el alcohol, salí a dar un largo paseo por el pueblo. Deambulando sin rumbo pero con la sensación de estar haciendo una jornada, no una nueva, pero sí más larga. Una más por el viejo.

Loretta Rivera Domínguez M.
Edit: Malibeh Pérpuli L.

Dream.

And how 
I often wish

that one day,

we will meet 
each other

even if it’s just

somewhere in a

perfect dream
—
where no one else

will take you away

from me.

A predictive text.

(I set my phone to predictive and pressed the middle option to write a little something)

I don't think that I have a great way of the best thing to say it.

The only thing that would make my life and the rest of the year of high quality in a statement issued by the end of the day, would be a good one for me and I don't think that I have a nice dream of you yet.

The same time I try and make me happy when you get to the game, is that the two of my friends are so much better than the original version of this.

Oh, I have to go back and forth between a rock and a lot.

(I added all commas and periods, it's really fun to do, I dare you all).

The voices.



I used to get sick very often when I was a kid. I got high fevers that made me hallucinate despite me being aware of it all being in my head.

I remember very vividly my hallucinations about my bedroom door, switching walls and changing positions, just like the ceiling fan did. I remember looking at shadows in the shape of horses, gallopping around my bed. I remember falling asleep with the TV on and having extremely realistic fever dreams with the voices from TV shows.

The scariest thing I remember are the voices. There was this one hallucination I kept having whenever the fever started, there were this two creatures (I can recall two robots, a small one and a big one, or  two people, an adult and a baby, two cartoonish ducks, a tiny one and a monsterlike one that looked very Space Jam) that were fighting on a boat, in the middle of a lake, surrounded by fog. 

The tiny creature was nervous and trying hard not to upset the big one, but no matter what it said –or didn't say–, the big creature would get angrier and angrier, turning agressive at one point. It was really scary, because sometimes I would dream this scene, but other times I would only hear it. Wide awake I would hear the panic on the tiny creature's voice, and the rising anger of the big creature, expecting the worst from the explotion of that anger. I could listen to their tones and feel what they were feeling, but I couldn't hear their words, I didn't understand the problem, I only knew the danger of being in that position.

I used to tell my dad whenever I was having those hallucinations.

—Daddy, I can hear the voices.
—It's all in your head, kid. There are no voices out here.
—Something bad is happening to them.
—It's just a nightmare.

And it went pretty much like that.

I got a tonsil surgery when I was 15 and haven't gotten my horrible hallucinations ever since, but sometimes when I'm very tired and about to sleep I still can hear those voices. Like they're trapped and the small creature is in danger and the big one is about to do something horrible. I always get up and get uneasy at the feeling because I still don't know what is happening. I don't understand their words. I can only feel what they feel and it's really scary.

I don't know why this happens. I'm pretty used to it by now, but it still makes me uneasy.

Open wounds


You seem like you’re the kind of person that picks off their scabs. 
You know you’re going to make it worse but you can’t seem to let yourself heal. You love in the same way you bleed, I think, in that life-threatening way of yours.
 Quickly, urgently, terrifyingly. You do it all at once or not at all.

Cómo maman con ser trve.

Está bien que te gusten los cómics. Está bien que no te gusten. Está bien que no te gusten las películas de superhéroes. Está bien que te gusten aunque nunca hayas leído cómics. Está bien que tu amigo/a te explique qué pedo con los universos de DC y de Marvel porque se escucha padre pero no entiendes ni madre y te interesa. Está bien que te gusten cosas mainstream. Está bien que a la gente le empiece a gustar lo que a ti te gustó desde hace 15 años. No pasa nada. No te vas a morir. Si se te hace que alguien se ve ridículo disfrazado, guárdate tu comentario, a la otra persona no le interesa y sólo te vas a ver como un culero. Si te quieres disfrazar pero te da pena, dile a tus compas que sí jalan, te vas a divertir. Relaja la raja. Disfruta la fruta. Live and let live. Etc, etc.

My doormat reads «unwelcome».



Stop knocking
I have no room for you.
Not anymore.

I once brought down walls
I sledgehammered them myself
just to make room for you,
for your mere comfort.

I opened a door and left it ajar:
the wind, the rain and the cold came in.
You did not.

So stop knocking at my door
now that the walls are thick,
now that inside is warm,
now that I don't feel lonely.

I once waited for you,
I welcomed you in
and you did not come.

Stop knocking at my door.
You have a place of your own
and your shoes are dirty.

Walk away, stranger.


Poteiro potato

When you grow up Catholic, you can almost be sure that you're going to be a little fucked up somehow. You will feel guilty about natural things and it will be hard for you to see how ridiculous your shame is.

I did grow up Catholic and my views on forgiveness have fucked me up badly. I feel constant dread about forgiving, because I compare forgiving to forgetting and I feel like they should be related.

The thing is, forgetting isn't good.

People forget things when they aren't important, when they're distracted or when they're sick. Alzheimer's and dementia aren't an ok thing to have, they're something to be worried about.

So I grew up with this idea that if someone apologized I should forget that they hurt me and move on, acting like we'd always been great.

This doesn't happen to me.

I remember EVERYTHING. I love to pretend that I don't, but I sure do and it makes me feel terribly guilty that I cannot erase the bad memories from my mind. I feel like I'm betraying the one who asked for forgiveness and that I'm the bad guy.

I want to be able to embrace my memories as something real that happened and move on from there. Forgiving should mean that both parties are aware of the mistake and willing to change what caused it in the first place, not just expecting the hurt that they forget and move on.

I'm raising my kids as far away from church as I can.

((lift yourself up once again))


don't depend on them 
to save you.
you've gone a long way from there.
there is no way in hell you're going back.

no way josé.

let them convince you that life 
is worth living
smell the coffee he makes for you
on sunday mornings
when you need something
to look forward to.

you've made it through worse.

taste his breath in your tonge
late at night
when all you can feel
is despair.

always.

remember all of them can leave.
remember that you can save 
yourself.
remember that you have to save
yourself.
no one can free you
from your own mind.

-L.


I suck.

I study literature and often
they come looking for writers
for all sorts of things
-magazines and contests-
and there's always hands up
hands of all those kids who proudly write.

I never say I write
nor I ever will.
Because I don't.
I can't write.
I can only feel.

What I feel is usually shitty.

L.

C.

"Renovation requires us 
to tear down what is outdated.

Let. Me. Break. You."

J.

I dreamt about you yesterday
And what a bitch I was to you.

I don't miss you.

But you sure deserved better than me.
Good thing you hate me now.

L.

Waterproof people.

How is it so simple for most people?
How do they not feel like they're constantly
drowning in everything they feel?

Am I just a shitty swimmer?

Toss me a life-jacket already, 
everything's too heavy.
I'm tired of swimming.

L.

S.

"How can I be better?" 
I asked you, this tiny teen with dorky smile
You looked away from us
and stared at the parking lot.

"Be more you,
Less sad you,
We all love you."

I made all of you take turns
thinking you would destroy me.
Teenagers are honest about their opinions
on other people.
Almost always.

Be more you
Less sad you
We all love you.

You didn't destroy me,
you scotch-taped me together.
Thank you.

L.

“It“ is Sick.


"It" constantly gets to me. By "it" I mean everything. This eternal and non-stopping circle of stuff that doesn't take breaks from happening. Sometimes I need my breaks but when I take them, "it" rushes past me and I can't help feeling left behind.

Weird, huh? How some people manage life with such inspiring and graceful ease, and here I am, suffocated by all the happenings and passings and stressing out by the thought of not ever being able to catch up.

My therapist says I've got a lot on my plate and that my constant worries are understandable and even "natural" but others seem to be in an all-you-can-eat buffet of "it" and plating up spoonful after spoonful of that sticky and gooey mix of "it" and enjoying it like it was a delicious piece of cake while I drown on my quarter cup of "it".

And of course, my mother -oh, sweet mother- obviously nagged me for being dramatic and emphasized how I've got it so much better than African kids... and this made my feeling worse, because on the side of my suffocation and panic about the future, I also get to feel ungrateful and selfish... Ahh, how refreshing!

So life's been good, anxiety has been better and my will to live is out the window (heh). Anyway... Some poetry has been written. I'll share soon.

-L.