Day 3: 1/9/17

This is a note from my phone I wrote last year.

I had this freakout last night at a party because this guy who I used to be friend with but who harrassed me/took advantage of when I was drunk, was there. He was standing in the middle of the way from some friends that I wanted to hang with and I HAD to walk past him in order to get to that side of the party. I really didn't want to greet him because he makes me feel really uncomfortable and vulnerable, and the time he harrassed me he made some very very nasty comments about my breasts while holding me up to him and not letting me go... i was wearing a particularly low cut shirt (I neverrrrrr do because I'm very insecure about having big boobs) with a flannel shirt on top, and I felt extra super vulnerable and almost naked, even though I now see that it wasn't as bad as I felt then. Anyway, anxiety got the best of me in that situation and I was trying hard not to be close to this person, staying close to people who I trust and all, but everyone was dancing and I really didn't feel like dancing because boobs and I tried to decline politely, at the end I felt badish and went inside to sit in a sofa and try to cool off. Someone I know came by and asked me if I was okay, I said someone being in the party was making me a little uncomfortable and they instantly knew who it was, they reassured me that I was safe and I went out again. I found Héctor (there were LOADS of people) and I sat next to him for a little, then I noticed that the guy was trying to get close to us and talk to us and I almost ran inside. Someone stopped me and handed me a stress cube thingy which I used and it didn’t make me feel any better so I drank a beer. Then two. Then three. So quickly. Then the guy came up to me and wanted to talk and I said no thanks and walked away. I couldn’t breathe a lot and I had a panic attack and I cried on the car and we came home and I watched Harry Potter until I slept. This is not fun to tell but it happened and I can’t really explain it to anyone right now.