And how 
I often wish


that one day,


we will meet 
each other


even if it’s just


somewhere in a


perfect dream

—
where no one else


will take you away


from me.

(I set my phone to predictive and pressed the middle option to write a little something)

I don't think that I have a great way of the best thing to say it.

The only thing that would make my life and the rest of the year of high quality in a statement issued by the end of the day, would be a good one for me and I don't think that I have a nice dream of you yet.

The same time I try and make me happy when you get to the game, is that the two of my friends are so much better than the original version of this.

Oh, I have to go back and forth between a rock and a lot.

(I added all commas and periods, it's really fun to do, I dare you all).

I used to get sick very often when I was a kid. I got high fevers that made me hallucinate despite me being aware of it all being in my head.

I remember very vividly my hallucinations about my bedroom door, switching walls and changing positions, just like the ceiling fan did. I remember looking at shadows in the shape of horses, gallopping around my bed. I remember falling asleep with the TV on and having extremely realistic fever dreams with the voices from TV shows.

The scariest thing I remember are the voices. There was this one hallucination I kept having whenever the fever started, there were this two creatures (I can recall two robots, a small one and a big one, or  two people, an adult and a baby, two cartoonish ducks, a tiny one and a monsterlike one that looked very Space Jam) that were fighting on a boat, in the middle of a lake, surrounded by fog. 

The tiny creature was nervous and trying hard not to upset the big one, but no matter what it said –or didn't say–, the big creature would get angrier and angrier, turning agressive at one point. It was really scary, because sometimes I would dream this scene, but other times I would only hear it. Wide awake I would hear the panic on the tiny creature's voice, and the rising anger of the big creature, expecting the worst from the explotion of that anger. I could listen to their tones and feel what they were feeling, but I couldn't hear their words, I didn't understand the problem, I only knew the danger of being in that position.

I used to tell my dad whenever I was having those hallucinations.

—Daddy, I can hear the voices.

—It's all in your head, kid. There are no voices out here.

—Something bad is happening to them.

—It's just a nightmare.

And it went pretty much like that.

I got a tonsil surgery when I was 15 and haven't gotten my horrible hallucinations ever since, but sometimes when I'm very tired and about to sleep I still can hear those voices. Like they're trapped and the small creature is in danger and the big one is about to do something horrible. I always get up and get uneasy at the feeling because I still don't know what is happening. I don't understand their words. I can only feel what they feel and it's really scary.

I don't know why this happens. I'm pretty used to it by now, but it still makes me uneasy.

You seem like you’re the kind of person that picks off their scabs. 

You know you’re going to make it worse but you can’t seem to let yourself heal. You love in the same way you bleed, I think, in that life-threatening way of yours.

 Quickly, urgently, terrifyingly. You do it all at once or not at all.

Está bien que te gusten los cómics. Está bien que no te gusten. Está bien que no te gusten las películas de superhéroes. Está bien que te gusten aunque nunca hayas leído cómics. Está bien que tu amigo/a te explique qué pedo con los universos de DC y de Marvel porque se escucha padre pero no entiendes ni madre y te interesa. Está bien que te gusten cosas mainstream. Está bien que a la gente le empiece a gustar lo que a ti te gustó desde hace 15 años. No pasa nada. No te vas a morir. Si se te hace que alguien se ve ridículo disfrazado, guárdate tu comentario, a la otra persona no le interesa y sólo te vas a ver como un culero. Si te quieres disfrazar pero te da pena, dile a tus compas que sí jalan, te vas a divertir. Relaja la raja. Disfruta la fruta. Live and let live. Etc, etc.

Stop knocking
I have no room for you.
Not anymore.

I once brought down walls
I sledgehammered them myself
just to make room for you,
for your mere comfort.

I opened a door and left it ajar:
the wind, the rain and the cold came in.
You did not.

So stop knocking at my door
now that the walls are thick,
now that inside is warm,
now that I don't feel lonely.

I once waited for you,
I welcomed you in
and you did not come.

Stop knocking at my door.
You have a place of your own
and your shoes are dirty.

Walk away, stranger.

When you grow up Catholic, you can almost be sure that you're going to be a little fucked up somehow. You will feel guilty about natural things and it will be hard for you to see how ridiculous your shame is.

I did grow up Catholic and my views on forgiveness have fucked me up badly. I feel constant dread about forgiving, because I compare forgiving to forgetting and I feel like they should be related.

The thing is, forgetting isn't good.

People forget things when they aren't important, when they're distracted or when they're sick. Alzheimer's and dementia aren't an ok thing to have, they're something to be worried about.

So I grew up with this idea that if someone apologized I should forget that they hurt me and move on, acting like we'd always been great.

This doesn't happen to me.

I remember EVERYTHING. I love to pretend that I don't, but I sure do and it makes me feel terribly guilty that I cannot erase the bad memories from my mind. I feel like I'm betraying the one who asked for forgiveness and that I'm the bad guy.

I want to be able to embrace my memories as something real that happened and move on from there. Forgiving should mean that both parties are aware of the mistake and willing to change what caused it in the first place, not just expecting the hurt that they forget and move on.

I'm raising my kids as far away from church as I can.