can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing

 

    I'm truly doing my best. Working on myself, I'm back in school, absolutely in love, taking care of myself and my body, respecting me and my boundaries, exploring my pleasures.

    And yet, it still rocks the boat how much she's unwilling to step up and be my mother. And I know it's not my fault, I know I'm not to blame. No matter how hard I try to be PerfectDaughter.com I cannot. No matter how much I break my back trying to make you proud, I can't push you to be what I need. And it's still incredibly hard.

    "Look at me!", I seem to shout from rooftops, "Look at how much I can do!", while saying yes to every responsibility that comes my way, do it perfectly, if I can't ace it why even bother? I need to do it nicely, I need to make it pretty, the shinniest, the most natural, look at me, barely any effort, look mom, no hands.

    How long will it take me to get to a point where I no longer care? Where I know what's going to happen and I just go with it. I feel like I did one bad daughter thing in my life and she keeps bringing it back to haunt me. Sorry I didn't inform you my boyfriend had moved in with me when I was 20 a week after he had done so. Sorry it apparently was the worst treason you could possibly stand.

    I don't feel like tossing rocks back your way. I've done that enough. Telling you how you've hurt me only makes you feel bad and I feel like I'm the bad one. For reminding you. For being a living memory of your faults. For surviving it and not shutting the fuck up, "Let it go, Loretta" you say, "it's been so many years already."

   I'm getting older, I've got more on my shoulders
But I'm getting better at admitting when I'm wrong
I'm happier than ever, at least that's my endeavor
To keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure
'Cause to be honest, I just wish that what I promise
Would depend on what I'm given (not on his permission)
(Wasn't my decision) to be abused.

    It's going to take some time, I guess, until I feel like I can say this. Like I can express it somewhere else that is not an online blog that nobody reads, and my pillow at night, stained forever with mascara from my wet eyelashes. It's waterproof mascara season. 

    Spring break is about not breaking myself.