I could walk Cornelia Street

 I am drunk.

Writing comes easy to me when drunk. As if things just turned clear. As if the anxiety got blocked from all the booze in my system, and I did not have to overthink every single thought.

We rode an uber home and I felt so happy. So happy and full of joy and not scared at all. 

I started thinking how I hadn't been this happy in a long time, but while looking out the window, and really considering, I've never in my life been this happy before.

For so long, scared has been the default. It's a constant awaiting something going off and the shit hitting the fan again. It's a worry that never stops; will I be safe this time? Who is the next one to leave me? When will this happiness end?

But right now, I don't fear.

Right now, I'm completely and utterly happy.

Life is better than ever. I have the friends I never thought I would surround myself with and the way they care for me shows to a level I can't deny, I'm living in my favorite place in the world, I am amused every time I look out the subway's window and stare right at the buildings that touch the sky. I am loved and love the guy that sometimes I swear I produced from a dream. I am getting married. 

I am so absolutely happy and not scared one single bit. It's actually weird putting the wall down. I am ok. I am just fine.

Maybe the Cornelia Street is just about to hit.

Maybe not.

Maybe I've been surviving, and I'm just turning towards the side of actually living.