21.

There's this song in In The Heights, it's Just Breathe.
On a side of being a musical masterpiece by the musical genious that Lin-Manuel Miranda always is, it has resonated inside me since I dropped out of school
for the second time
and which you all know I'm insufferable about.
Self disapointment has stuck to my bones and wrapped around me
as if it were a second layer of skin.
This is what I'm carrying with me.
Being the dropout that I am, I can't stop the comparisons and feeling like not only I'm letting myself down but everyone else that has at some point rooted for me as well.

It's not like the college experience doesn't suit me.
I like it, I like learning and I like teachers and I like chilling in the back row and drinking my coffee and making interesting remarks in classes and getting adult aproval as I do.
I don't like it when I miss class because of work
or because of anxiety
because I fall asleep when I'm having lunch and drop my face into my plate of soup
this happened only once, I got more careful
I don't like missing school because I'm stressing out about missing school
I hate being the student with the excuses
even though they're real ones.
I don't like failing tests
being behind on papers.

I was asked by my mom when I was returning to school
and I told her that I will when I have the time
and she believed it too because, well, dad finished his carreer at 36 with a marriage and a daughter and two jobs and diabetes and a drug addicted wife
and I got his genes. I am an achiever of things, an overcomer, someone who doesn't quit on life's hardships.
Except that I've tried and I couldn't and that's why I'm still here.

Miiiiira, Ninaaaa,
Grandma asked me why I left school and I told her the truth
she said I'm not in any hurry 
no me preocupo por ella.
she believes this
Ahí va nuestra estrella
she wants me to write a book and she said it would be better than Harry Potter
I told her I haven't done enough reading for that
Ella sí da la talla
They're all counting on me to succeed.

H keeps telling me that the second I want to go back he's got my back
he said that I can quit work
or we could close down
or he can take up whatever we need to help me focus on school only
but I don't want to close down
or quit work just yet
I do believe in our little thing and I don't want to close because I just couldn't

I'm 23 and I feel like if I'm not crashing down
I'm not doing enough
because everyone else seems to be managing better than me.