28. Children.

 

I like children. The idea of childhood. Of a good one.

I like spending time with them, being a teacher, hearing their stories, making spaces fun and comfy enough for them to actually want to tell me stories. I do enjoy my job, exhausting as it gets sometimes. I do it and I feel satisfied, I see my kids using the resources I give them and I feel proud and accomplished. I think I'm good at it. 

I enjoy spending time with kids, even the ones that aren't my students. I see them playing and join them. I like toys and children's books and TV shows. I like hearing kids make up worlds and invest themselves in their silly little things because I do so too. I like to see them discover cool stuff. I like it when they get into things I got into when I 

I wasn't a very happy kid. I went through shit that I wouldn't want other kids to go through.

I saw way too much, way to fast, at way too young an age. It breaks my heart when I relate to my kids. When I see that they too, have been exposed to way too much, way too fast, at way too young an age.

I want to have kids of my own someday. I've been thinking about it for many years now. I know it's selfish. But I think I'd be good at it. I think I'd enjoy raising human beings in a happy home. Maybe I won't make them myself, but I would like to be a parent. Someday at least. It may be one of those psychological things, I want to bring the safety to a child that I didn't have. I want to be the parent I never got. It would make sense if it were that way, but... is it so bad? 

I don't know. I guess I won't until I get to it. But I expect it to be quite a while still.