6. Up the Wolves.

 There's bound to be a ghost in the back of your closet,

no matter where you live.
There'll always be a few things - maybe several things,
that you're gonna find really difficult to forgive.

"I've been afraid, I guess, of feeling orphaned. I'm scared of losing my mother to a disease like I lost my father so many years ago. I wasn't ready to lose him then, and despite it all, I'm not ready to lose her now. I'm terrified of the idea of being parentless before 30. 

I thought I would have at least one to go with me through it all.

I want to have a parent when I get married. I want to have children spoiled to pieces by a grandparent. I want to have a parent to rely upon when I am in shambles, confused about diapers and breastfeeding, potty training and all that crap that has to get done eventually. It's not nearly in the horizon yet,  but I wanted to feel like I could have that little support."

There's gonna come a day when you feel better,
you'll rise up, free and easy on that day,
and float from branch to branch,
lighter than the air
just when that day is coming, who can say? who can say?

She looked at me like if she could touch me through the motherfucking screen and she said,

"Loretta, dear, I'm going to let you know something you're not seeing. It's going to hurt you a lot, but knowing it will definitiely help you heal someday: You've been orphaned for many years now, you do not have parents. One because he died, and the other one because she chose to stop being your mother and tried to become your daughter. You have made it as an orphan for quite a while."

I'm gonna get myself in fighting trim
Scope out every angle of unfair advantage
I'm gonna bribe the officals, I'm gonna kill all the judges
It's gonna take you people years to recover from all of the damage

I stared blankly at the screen, feeling sore and empty, but somehow relieved.
It pains me to know how absent my parents have been in my life. How much I've had to do my own bringing up. It makes sense, all my quirks and my special ways of doing my responsible human things. I feel sad, and hurt but proud.

Our mother has been absent ever since we've founded Rome
There's gonna be a party when the wolf comes home.