8.

Things I never told you.

I never told you how much I admire you.
I feel ridiculously dumb sometimes. Unable to learn, to accomplish.
I feel like I know nothing, that I'm always pretending, aiming to be nearly as smart
as the people I surround myself with. I see you, understanding beyond yourselves,
exploring into worlds of true knowledge that I cannot fathom.


I never told you that I always wanted to be more like you.
I loved you when I was little and I saw you as everything I wanted to be:
pretty, funny, talented, social, surrounded by friends always, charming, nice to us all.
I wished I lived in your big house with your trampoline and your siblings,
that my kitchen had a big island with a dishwasher and drinking water,
that my fridge and pantry were suprisingly always stocked with snacks,
that I owned 10,000 VCRs and knew every line from every movie.
I'm sorry I didn't see beyond that.

I never thanked you for being there.
We never talked about it. how I fell asleep on your shoulder or your lap
how you would shoo away people so they didn't wake me
how much care you gave me when I needed it
secretly, between you and I, you saved me a little every morning.
You walked me home and dyed my hair blue
you shared silly things and we took funny pictures
and you knew all along but you knew better that to ask.

I feel so many things
left unsaid
I'm so sorry.
I'm not going to keep anything in anymore.